Jessi’s Baby-sitter

Stoneybrook is under attack! In a freak instance of actual parenting, upon deciding to go back to work, Daddy and Mama Ramsey decide to bring Aunt Cecelia to live with them to take care of the kids and house. Jessi is blown away by this affront to her position as official family baby-sitter, and goes on a vigilante mission to take back her turf (aka Squirt, her one year old brother). In this book, Jessi is honestly a combination of a desperate housewife and an actual sixth grader. It’s a weird mash-up that could only happen in Stoneybrook, because seriously where else would a middle schooler be sad (to the point of destructive rage) that someone else is there to change diapers and make after school snacks?!

Into the plot: Mama Ramsey gets a job for the first time in eleven years, and is ready to go back to work. That part is exciting, but (cue ominous music), it means that Daddy Ramsey’s widowed sister is moving in to be the indentured servant of the clan. This is classic Stoneybrook – the only options for working moms are to employ middle school girls or to find rando relatives to become the live-in help. Jessi is horrified, because Aunt Cecelia is the legit worst, and she and Becca plot to destroy their aunt even before she arrives.

As a subplot interlude, Jessi pressures Jackie Rodowsky into entering the Stoneybrook Elementary School science fair. Jackie just wants to build a volcano due to his love of the iconic Brady Bunch volcano scene:

Instead of indulging this badass goal, our girl Jessi has to make it both competitive and boring and starts drilling him on types of rock. Jackie hates this entire process and keeps trying to get out of it, but Jessi the bulldozer won’t let that happen. It’s a charming parallel to her home life with Aunt Cecelia, who she maturely starts referring to as Aunt Dictator. She and Becca start pranking this poor woman, including short-sheeting her bed, filling her slippers with shaving cream, and putting a fake spider in her bed. How is this girl supposed to be mature again?

The Ramsey adults are clearly communication failures. Aunt Cecelia is left in charge of the kids, but has been given no orientation or instructions about the normal routines of the household. She doesn’t know that Jessi baby-sits, and is allowed to do so, or about curfews, or literally anything else.

In the end, Jackie loses the science fair, Jessi apologizes to him, his parents, and for some reason her parents, for pushing him, and Aunt Cecelia reveals that she’s been Aunt Dictator-ing because she’s intimidated by Jessi’s baby-sitting expertise. Gag me.

Awards:

Dumbest Quote: Jessi, upon hearing that her mom has a job, blurts out, “Boy, I guess you’ll really need me to baby-sit now. I’ll take care of Becca and Squirt every afternoon that I can. But who will watch Squirt while I’m at school? And who will baby-sit while I’m at my dance lessons?” Seriously Jessi, your parents are adults. They’re not actually relying on you for full-time childcare.

Most Unexpected Character Behavior: The Pike kids decide to turn their house into a library (cute/destructive, as per usual), and when neighborhood kids show up during dinner to return books, the Pike parents make a rule! The library is only open until 6 PM, and not during dinner. Way to set a (flimsy) boundary, Pikes!

Best Science Fair Project: While Charlotte Johanssen wins an actual award, my prize goes to Margo Pike, who creates a shadow box of the moon, which is described by Mallory as follows – “She seems to have decided that Barbie, Ken, and Skipper inhabit the moon, and that they dress in pink and silver sparkly outfits, kind of like the ones that the Jetsons used to wear.” YAAAS MARGO.

Mallory on Strike

I feel like this book should really be called Passive Aggressive Mallory. Mallory basically has a breakdown, all because she failed to communicate her needs to anyone in her life and was shocked that none of them were mind-readers. To back up, Mallory is in a special creative writing class at school (which we’ve never heard of before, and I assume will not come up ever again). There’s apparently a school-wide competition, which only applies to sixth graders, for creative writing. Mallory decides to enter the Best Overall Fiction category, which requires going into hermit-mode to work on a story.

Of course, the Pikes procreate like it’s their job, and then neglect said offspring like they have other jobs, so Mallory is the live-in Cinderella. In one afternoon, she stops the triplets from scaring Claire, stops Margo from playing in their mom’s makeup, saves Nicky from a hamster bite, catches said hamster, and stops an argument between the triplets. All of this is to say that the girl has no time to do her homework, because indentured servitude + the underage labor of the BSC is a full time gig.

So Mal is stressed over her story, and goes to a BSC meeting where she’s offered a job that she turns down. Rather than saying that it’s because she has homework, which any reasonable person would understand, she says nothing at all, because she puts the passive in passive aggressive like it’s another full time job.

Back in Pike-land, Mallory wakes up early to finish her homework, and then tries to work on her story. Instead, after she pays Vanessa a whole quarter to stay out of their shared room, her mom has her baby-sit four siblings, make Claire a PBJ to feed her dolls, fold clothes, and set the table for dinner. Another day, she has to convince Claire that it’s ok that all of the dinosaurs are extinct, and make dessert for dinner. Because God forbid Mrs. Pike run her own household. She starts to be nervous that she won’t be able to finish her story in time, which is a huge deal since her creative writing teacher is apparently responsible for all of her self-worth. Finally, Mal has writing time, but gets so caught up in her craft that she is late to a BSC meeting. She still feels no need to explain things to anyone, so instead just sits there, rejects sitting jobs, and cries when confronted. All of this escalates to the point where she asks to be demoted from the BSC, rather than just do her homework and get over herself.

The spiral of insanity continues to the point where it involves props. She designs and creates a sandwich board that says “Mallory on Strike” and wears it downstairs for breakfast, because her family is so overbearing that she loses the power of speech. Except this is her first time even attempting to communicate, and it’s crazy. As soon as she expresses herself, her parents immediately have everyone leave her alone, and even hire baby-sitters when they need to run out. So maybe the Pikes were reasonable all along? And Mallory is just a writer who can’t use her words?

The book starts winding to a close with several insane events. First, Mallory gets a special day all to herself, courtesy of her parents. They take her and Jessi to the mall for the day, which is apparently the most personal attention she’s ever gotten. Then, because Mallory can’t just take it, she plans a special day for the rest of the Pikes, which includes paper hat making, a circus put on by neighborhood kids, puppet making, a scavenger hunt, burgers, and ice cream. And of course, because she’s a BSC member, Mallory wins the writing contest. So I guess the lesson for this story is that hissy fits work?

Awards:

Most Random Stoneybrook Term: Apparently people ‘often’ call the Pike kids stair-step kids because they’re born one after another. First, is this a term people use? And second, aren’t all kids born after each other, so wouldn’t this apply to literally all multi-sibling families?

Most Awkward Thing We Learned: Kristy doesn’t need a bra yet.

Best Insult: Dawn refers to Stacey as Old Tightwad. I support this.

 

Claudia and the Perfect Boy

This book opens with Claudia, she of the stunning complexion and fabulous wardrobe, being jealous of Mary Anne, world-champion crier and quiet shy girl. Claudia wants a boyfriend, and has FOMO over the ongoing Mary Anne/Logan love-fest. While Claudia does tend to meet boys every time she leaves the municipal boundaries of Stoneybrook, none of them have ever turned into anything serious, and she’s ready for a real (eighth grade) love.

Here’s Claudia’s list of qualities she’s looking for in Mr. Right (with spelling edits included):

• Handsome
• Muscles (not too many, not too few)
• Taller than me
• Funny (extremely)
• Athletic
• Sensitive
• Easy to talk to (a good listener)
• Interesting (lots to say)
• Artistic
• Good dresser
• Good speller (willing to correct mine)
• Not critical
• Crazy about me

Good list, but seems like a lot to ask of a middle school boy. Also, how would Claudia know if someone’s a good speller? This girl literally spelled too two different ways in one sentence. I would criticize the crap out of her (in person, as well as over the internet), if she were something other than a fictional character in a decades-old children’s series.

As part of her quest for a man, Claudia proposes adding a personals column to the SMS Express, the school newspaper. In classic Stoneybrook fashion, there’s no adult supervision of this paper, and with thirteen-year-olds running the show, it’s not surprising that this kind of thing gets approved. Just as a general comment, in any real place, this would be vetoed before Claud even got the sentence out. So, the most illiterate eighth grader in history becomes a columnist for the school newspaper.

Shockingly, SMS students have no shame, and they all start writing personal ads to find dates. Claudia goes on several herself. One is with Brian, a clean-cut guy who takes her to the Rosebud Cafe. They have nothing in common. Next up is Rock, who is into Asian girls so loves that Claudia is Japanese. He’s somehow tattooed as a middle schooler, and asks to kiss her goodnight (she turns him down). She also dates Kurt, who is apparently so boring we don’t even get to hear about the date.

The b-plot of this book is tragic. We’re back to the Barrett kids, and their dog Pow. We’re made to love Pow anew, and get several scenes of the kids straight up attacking him, but he loves it and is totally gentle and nice. So of course, tragedy strikes. Marnie Barrett has developed an allergy to their beloved dog, and they need to find a new home for him. Buddy and Suzi are obviously devastated, and my heart just breaks for them. The Pikes end up adopting him, which is described as a good thing because Buddy and Suzi can still see him. But I’d probably honestly do worse with that situation, to see ‘my’ dog all the time and have him belong to someone else, rather than an out of sight, out of mind scenario.

We end with Claudia still single, but much more appreciative of all the things she does have. Anticlimactic.

Awards:

Best Insult: Claudia is whining about how she’s the only one who doesn’t have a boy. “Even Kristy has Bart. Sort of.” Way to be passive-aggressive, jerk.

Most Absurd Personal Ad: Unique, statuesque seventh-grade girl wants to get to know husky guy interested in sports and Ancient Egyptian cultures. For fun dates call Big-Boned Beauty.

Most Eighties Moment: Claudia discovers spellcheck

Most Self-Aware Moment: I LOVE art! I can’t look at a sunset without thinking about the best way to get that same effect with watercolors. But how could I write that in a letter to a guy I don’t know without sounding like a complete maniac? I didn’t want him to mark my letter, “obvious nut case,” and throw it in the trash. (Claudia tries to answer a personal)

Worst Parent: Mrs. Pike, who leaves her kids home with baby-sitters when their new pet arrives. Can this lady not show up for any of her own family occasions?

Super Special # 7: Snowbound!

This Super Special doesn’t come with the premise of a crazy vacation, like so many of them, but instead has extreme weather leading to some crazy situations. Most of them could actually happen, which is weird for the BSC, but involve neglect and shenanigans, which is par for the course in Stoneybrook, Connecticut. I’ll talk about all of the girls together for the pre-blizzard period of the book, and then divide up for what actually goes down during the storm. The girls are preparing for the Winter Wonderland Dance, which is a super big deal because all of them have dates. The date breakdown is as follows:

• Kristy is going with Bart Taylor
• Claudia is going with Iri Mitsuhashi (who we’ve never heard of), and who Claudia emphasizes is just a friend
• Mary Anne is going with Logan (obvs)
• Mallory is going with Ben Hobart
• Jessi is bringing Quint Walter, which is a throwback to New York, New York!
• Dawn is going with Price Irving (who we’ve also never heard of), but apparently she recently developed an ‘amazing crush’ on him
• Stacey is going with Austin Bentley, because he’s her go-to between boyfriend man

So they’re all freaking out because the kids of Stoneybrook are dying for snow, but the mature middle schoolers are nervous about the dance being canceled. And of course, each girl has massive drama as a result of the storm.

Mallory Pike and Mary Anne Spier: have the exact same storyline. They’re tag-teaming on a 24 hour sitting job for the Pike kids, because Mr. and Mrs. Pike are ditching their annoying offspring and going to Manhattan for the day. Because the Pikes hate their kids but copulate like it’s their job, they’ve also left no food in the house. The blizzard hits and the elder Pikes get stuck in Manhattan (when really we know they’re not trying too hard to get home), and the house loses power. Mallory and Mary Anne have to hoard food from the seven kids, until dreamy Logan Bruno saves the day by skiing over with food.

Stacey McGill: Stacey is prepping for the dance, and has her mom take her to Washington Mall for a new perm. As a sidenote, when I read these books as a kid, I had no idea what a perm actually was, but wanted one because Stacey always got them. So I asked my mom for one, and she informed me that it makes your hair curly. I was basically a brunette Shirley Temple, so I was left permless. Sadface. Anyway, Stacey and her mom get stuck driving home. They run out of gas, but someone stops to help them. Stacey thinks he’s a kidnapper at first, but they decide to go home with him instead. He and his wife and baby apparently live in a Victorian mansion outside of town, and the McGills spend the night. Everyone back in Stoneybrook freaks out because they don’t know where the McGills are, but they make it back the next day. Codependency can continue.

Kristy Thomas: Kristy is at home and invites Bart over to hang before the blizzard hits. They watch some movies with the younger Brewer/Thomas kids, and then for some weird reason, the family has a formal dinner in honor of Bart. Kristy almost acts like a normal person instead of a kid-obsessed psycho, and is embarrassed by her irritating siblings. The blizzard hits during dinner, and Bart ends up having to spend the night in the mansion. Kristy freaks out, because she can’t let him see her in her pajamas, is scared that he’ll accidentally sleepwalk into her room, and can’t let him see her in the morning either. So she lays awake until 1 AM, wakes up at 5:30, and decides to shave her legs, curl her hair, and put on makeup, all to show off at breakfast. Bart tells her she’s beautiful…aww!

Jessi Ramsey: Jessi is in rehearsals for The Nutcracker, and gets stranded at her dance school in Stamford. Quint, who is arriving from New York, ends up making his way there, so the two of them help out with all of the kids who are freaking out (of course).

Dawn Schafer: Dawn and her mom head to the airport to pick up Jeff, who’s coming to visit for Christmas. Mrs. Schafer is a nervous snow-driver, but makes it to the airport in one piece. However, the blizzard delays all flights, and Jeff eventually gets rerouted to DC, while the ladies spend the night in the airport. As someone who has slept in an airport, I truly feel for them. It’s unfathomably uncomfortable.

Claudia Kishi: Claudia is baby-sitting for the Perkins girls, and their parents get stranded at a friend’s house. She manages to lose their dog for most of the night, and despite the suddenly overnight baby-sitting job and lack of power, refuses to let her parents come help, or bring them over (she lives across the street). No one protests this.

Awards:

Most Embarrassing Thomas/Brewer: Karen, who parades around in ‘sweater-pants’ for Bart. Meaning she uses her sleeves as pant legs. And no one stops her.

Best Name: Holly, one of the kids in Jessi’s dance school, named her doll Caboose. I respect this.

Most Melodramatic Moment: Mallory is told the dance might be postponed due to the massive blizzard. “It can’t be postponed!” said Mal. “Ben and I can’t wait until next week!” Um…why not Mal?

Best Retort: Sam is teasing Kristy for being in the bathroom so long, and says he didn’t think he’d have to deal with such a girlie sister until Karen turns thirteen. Her response is “By which time you’ll be twenty-one and not living here anymore, I hope.” BURN.

Worst Parent: Mrs. Kishi this time, for not pulling rank and insisting on assisting her thirteen year old in caring for three children overnight. Just irresponsible.

Dawn and the Impossible Three

This is the first Dawn book chronologically, meaning it’s our first chance to get into the mind of a chill vegetarian Californian, which I will admit is the complete antithesis to my carnivorous, up-tight East Coast ways. Back in the day, I loved Dawn, but now I’m much more inclined to think she’s straight up crazy. So let’s see what she’s like from her very first pages!

When the book opens, Dawn is still a Stoneybrook newbie. She became friends with Mary Anne and joined the BSC in the last book, but hasn’t fully integrated into her new clique yet. First thing we learn about her: she hates cold, and curses out the weatherman whenever he reports cold temperatures. Way to be a stereotype, Dawn! She’s getting to know Stoneybrook through the kids she baby-sits for, and meets the Pikes (which makes me understand a bit more about why she doesn’t love Connecticut), and their new friends, the Barretts. Mrs. Barrett is one of the many recent divorcees who flock to small-town Connecticut (seriously, is this a thing?), and she has three kids – Buddy, Suzi, and Marnie. Dawn scores the baby-sitting job with them, which leads to all kinds of drama for the newest BSC member.

The Barretts are a mess before their interactions with the BSC. The kids aren’t dressed properly, the house is a pigsty, and everyone is fighting. The only bright spot is Mrs. Barrett, who the entire BSC develops an immediate girl-crush on. Throughout the entire series they mention her looking like a model literally any time she comes up, but that seems to be the only thing she has going for her. Instead, she relies on a group of twelve-year-old girls to raise her kids. Dawn cleans the house, brushes the kid’s hair, teaches them about guns being dangerous, and cleans up after Suzi has an accident – and that’s all during her first sitting job!

The b-plot of this book, as a sidenote, is that with Dawn in town as Mary Anne’s new best friend, her OG BFF Kristy is feeling jealous. Dawn takes over helping Mary Anne redecorate her room, and Kristy has FOMO. I actually really feel for Kristy in this book – it must be awful to have your best friend growing apart from you, and she honestly doesn’t handle it too badly. Anyway, eventually Dawn invites Kristy over after school and they bond over being children of divorce, which leads to Kristy chilling out enough to appoint Dawn the official Alternate Officer of the BSC.

As the Schafers try to adjust to Stoneybrook, their quirky West Coast ways continue. Mrs. Schafer decides to throw a picnic, with an eclectic group of guests: her wealthy parents, who forced her to break up with Mr. Spier back in high school, Mr. Spier and Mary Anne, the Barrett family, and Kristy and David Michael Thomas. As a general comment, I would avoid this party as though my life depended on it. Mrs. Schafer wants to turn the whole town veggie, but Dawn, the voice of reason, convinces her to turn the picnic into a barbecue so that others will eat. The high drama of the picnic is Dawn’s grandparents getting reunited with Mr. Spier.

The neglectful nature of Mrs. Barrett continues. She forgets to tell Dawn the Marnie (her toddler) is allergic to chocolate. She shows up so late that Dawn misses a BSC meeting. She has no sense of her own custody arrangements with her ex-husband, which leads to the main drama of the book. Dawn is baby-sitting again, and she sends Buddy outside while she gets the girls ready. By the time she gets outside, he’s gone. Dawn freaks out, and organizes a search of the neighborhood which ends up involving the police, multiple teams of neighbors, and eventually German shepherds. As it turns out, Mr. Barrett took Buddy when he saw him outside, because scatterbrained Mrs. Barrett mixed up their custody agreement again. She seriously is the worst. She and Dawn have a classic after-school special heart to heart, and the newest BSC member joins the ranks of insufferable adolescents by saving the day yet again!

Awards:

Most Inane Sentence: Dawn tries to impress Janine by saying “Thanks to the foresight of our president it [the BSC]’s both profitable and proficient…profusely proficient.”

Worst Stoneybrook Parent: Clearly Mrs. Barrett. When your seven year old child feels more connected to his baby-sitter than he does to you, you are failing on some level.

Mallory Pike, #1 Fan

Mallory geeks out from sentence one, which doesn’t surprise me in any way. She’s in English class, and gets a new assignment where the students basically have to do some kind of written expression of their career aspirations. It’s actually a cool sounding project, but I can already tell that as a kid, and even a nerdy kid who loved writing, I would have wanted a few more parameters – I work best when I have guidelines for creativity, oxymoronic as that sounds. This assignment can literally go in any direction, which we see happen. But since it’s a Mallory book, instead of hilarity ensuing, inane angst and teachable moments are the name of the game.

So, in classic Mallory style, she needs to overachieve on her assignment, and ends up doing two things. First, she decides to write and direct a play for a club at Stoneybrook Elementary School called Kids Can Do Anything Club. As a sidenote, I’ve never heard of this club before, so I assume that it comes up in another book that I haven’t read yet, because it seems like an odd addition just for this one. Second, she lands a paid position with Henrietta Hayes, an author she’s just discovered and essentially stalks, while violating child labor laws and many social boundaries. Let’s go into the most inane parts of both of these projects:

• Mallory straight up stalks this children’s literature author, Henrietta Hayes, who it turns out lives in the center of the world – Stoneybrook! She writes to her publishing company, then somehow finds her home address, and when she only receives form letters in reply, bikes over to the woman’s house. Should we be impressed by how bold she is, or totally creeped out?
• Henrietta Hayes seems lovely. She answers all of Mallory’s questions, has her over for tea, and seems to live in an adorable house. I’m officially a fan too. But then she gets weird and offers an eleven-year-old a paid position as her assistant. Still not sure if that’s as illegal as I’m thinking.
• Despite her alleged intelligence and English skills, Mallory has apparently never heard of the difference between fiction and non-fiction. This becomes the crux of the plot, because she flips her lid when she realizes that not all literature is autobiographical and accuses her idol/boss of being a liar because her books aren’t based directly on her own life. It’s an embarrassment for the Stoneybrook public schools more than anything else.
• Mallory writes her play based on the antics of her younger siblings. She also gives them completely obvious pseudonyms, which are so pathetic that I feel the need to list them here:
  • Mallory = Valery (not awful)
  • Vanessa = Ranessa (WTF MALLORY?!?! THIS IS NOT A NAME)
    • As an aside, Ranessa becomes Jill after everyone with a pulse (aka not a Pike blood relative) realizes the connection.
  • Nicky = Ricky. This is changed to Ed because Nicky thinks Ed is “the coolest name a guy could have.” Is there a gas leak in their house?
  • Margo = Margarita (seriously?) Then it changes to Muriel, and finally Melissa.
  • Byron = Myron (WHY WHY WHY with the rhyming?!)
  • Adam = Atlas (Again, not a name)
  • Jordan = Gordon
  • Claire = Delaware (No. Just no.)
•  Mallory is asked to research Henrietta Hayes from external sources, and realizes that this poor, nice woman’s life has essentially been a tragedy, complete with being orphaned, divorced from an abusive guy, and her daughter dying young. Instead of being kind and empathetic, she chooses to yell at this woman for lying in her children’s books. I can’t even.
• The rest of the Pike kids find out about the play and stage a protest, and eventually Mrs. Pike makes Mallory change things so the play doesn’t full on bash their family. Then Mallory learns a lesson about how writing actually works, and they all live oddly ever after.

Awards:

Most Classic Claudia Outfit: Wide-legged maroon corduroy pants, a yellow paisley-print blouse with ruffle sleeves, and a yellow-and-maroon-striped vest. Her hair was fixed in two braids and she wore a black brimmed fisherman’s cap. On her feet were heavy-soled black Doc Marten shoes with bright yellow laces. WTF.

Worst Stoneybrook Parent: I’m going with Mrs. Pike, who allows her children to actively bully each other in public rather than making them shut up.

Dumbest Comeback: Mallory tries to explain her theory that all great literature is autobiographical to Stacey, and Stacey asks about Peter Pan. Rather than acknowledging that fantasy takes place outside of the world of reality, Mallory’s great retort is that J.M. Barrie (author) isn’t considered one of the world’s great writers. You heard it here first, folks.

Poor Mallory!

Mallory comes home from school one day, and her mother tells her that things aren’t going well at her dad’s company, and he might lose his job. The whole family is worried, and Mallory heads to the BSC meeting crossing her fingers that there’ll be good news. But then we wouldn’t have a plot line, so obviously Papa Pike loses his job. He’s in a bad mood, understandably, and yells at Jordan during dinner. I’m thinking this should happen a lot more. The Pikes are complete idiots, demonstrated by this gem of dialogue:

“We are a family,” Mom repeated, “and we will stick together and work together and everything will be fine. I want you to understand what I mean by work together,” she went on. “You mean like in the garden?” interrupted Margo.

Like seriously Margo? Just shut up.

Mama Pike will be going to work at a temp agency, and in the meantime, no allowances, no trips, and no treats for the kids. All pretty understandable. Mallory brings all the kids together to discuss their feelings, and I’ll give her props for being a good big sister in this moment. In order to help her through this crisis, the BSC decides to give Mal a regular job they’ve just been offered at the Delaney’s, a rich family that lives in Kristy’s neighborhood. Mal is thrilled, because she wants to give her baby-sitting money to her parents to help out. Aww. We also find out that Mallory is being bullied by some other sixth graders who somehow found out that her dad lost his job. I find it really hard to believe that this would be interesting gossip to eleven year olds, but it’s Stoneybrook, so who knows?

For our baby-sitting plot, Mal hangs with the Delaney kids, Amanda and Max, who have a reputation for being spoiled brats, but she gets along with them pretty well. They just got a new pool (score!) so everyone in town wants to hang at their house. But it turns out, they only want to play with the pool. Freeloaders. Mallory helps Amanda and Max figure out who their true friends are, and the BSC saves the day yet again!

Back on the poorer side of town, aka the Pike House, Mrs. Pike is temping it up, and Mr. Pike quickly loses motivation in his job hunt. He starts lounging in pajamas all day, and neglecting his kids, which would be 100% unforgivable if his kids weren’t the most annoying kids in town. Mama Pike lays down the law though, and he starts helping around the house again.

In the end, Mr. Pike finds a new job, Mallory tells off the mean girls who were bullying her, and Mal hosts her first BSC sleepover. The girls prank-call her bullies, with Mary Anne taking the lead in a moment that’s equally hilarious and totally out of character. Happily ever after!

Frustrations:

Everyone keeps saying Mr. Pike got fired. When a major company has to get rid of half of their staff, it’s not getting fired, it’s being laid off. Maybe it’s just semantics, but saying he was fired implies that it was because of him, not the circumstances. This may be what leads random middle school kids to gossip about his qualifications.

Awards:

Inane Language: It’s a Mallory book, so there’s inherently more BSC slang (dibble!). But Mallory takes this to the next level, and when describing Claudia’s clothes using the phrase “It’s the height of dibble-dom.” Gag.

Bad Parenting: Mrs. Delaney makes a pool rule that says the kids can only swim if one of the neighbors is home. I’m sorry, but if someone starts drowning, having someone up the block chilling in their house is not going to help when your eleven year old nanny fails to save the day. I remember being invited to pool parties at people’s houses, and the parents hired actual lifeguards to ensure no one drowned. But apparently millionaires in Stoneybrook don’t need to worry about getting sued.