Welcome to the BSC Notebook!

Hello readers, and welcome to the BSC Notebook, my new site for shamelessly sharing my enduring love of all things Baby-Sitters Club far past the age when it’s socially acceptable. As an ‘adult,’ I’ve heard that my BSC books are supposed to be passed on to the next generation, or at least stored in a forgotten closet somewhere in my parent’s house, which they were…for a while. But now, I’m doing an epic reread, and am bringing you along for the ride as I reflect on the hilarious, wholesome, and unrealistic mecca of Stoneybrook, Connecticut, through grown up eyes. We’ll journey through the whole series, realizing things like:

1. BSC fashion (shoutout to Claudia!) is timeless
2. Stoneybrook parents are the actual worst
3. Ann M. Martin and her team of ghostwriters are responsible for an epic saga of badass female friendship, entrepreneurship, and girl power for the ages!

Happy Reading!

~S

Mary Anne + 2 Many Babies

This book could also be called Mary Anne + The NextGen Stepford Wives. The whole Baby-Sitters Club develops an obsession, not just with kids (as usual), but specifically with babies. They’re all about the pre-toddler set, both human and…egg. The eighth graders of Stoneybrook are taking a class called Modern Living, where they spend a marking period paired up in mock husband/wife duos, taking care of eggs as their babies. The story arcs of the human and chicken offspring happen in tandem with each other, so without further ado, let’s jump in!

On the first day of Modern Living, all the kids pair up into couples. Mary Anne embarrasses herself by raising her hand thinking that a poll is being taken, and instead has to actually answer a question. She tries to use her BSC street cred to state that she thinks she’s capable of parenting on her own. Her teacher is not impressed. Modern Living as a whole is clearly being taught in the 80s, because it’s massively gender binary and would probably be protested today. A prime example is when the class is trying to pair into their couples:

Gordon Brown: there are nine girls and thirteen boys in this class, Mrs. Boyden. All the girls have been taken.

Erica Blumberg: We have not been ‘taken’! We are not pieces of property. You can’t claim us.

Gordon: Sheesh. All right, the girls have all been used up.

Erica: We are not hot water, either. We aren’t some commodity. You can’t use us up.

Erica is a woke badass ahead of her time. The rest of the town is still in the primordial ooze, though, because rather than having a conversation about non-male/female families, the four boys pair up and have to choose which one will take on the ‘girl’ role. Mrs. Boyden, what are you teaching these kids?

In between Modern Living classes, Mary Anne baby-sits for the Salem twins, Ricky and Rose. Babies are cute, but Mary Anne is full Single White Female towards them. Her first time with them is smooth, which convinces her and Dawn that their parents should have a baby, despite no evidence that the newlywed Spiers want this at all. Luckily, though, Mary Anne and the rest of her grade become parents themselves. They all go nuts, with Mary Anne and Logan helicoptering an inanimate object beyond belief. The eggs go on baby-sitting shenanigans, with the Papadakis kids hiding Kristy’s, Mary Anne basically neglecting the Salem twins because she has to ‘feed’ the egg, and the Pike kids using all of the groceries up to make their own egg children. Stacey baby-sits for a kid who has a phobia of eggs, because of course that would be a thing in this crazy town.

The whole class has a collective nervous breakdown, with kids realizing they can’t handle the responsibility of mock parenthood. This is probably a pivotal lesson for the BSC members in particular, who earlier thought that they could handle it without hesitation. Eventually, the class ends, and next up is Health. Stuff to look forward to!

Egg Parents/Names/Quirks/Eventual Occupations:

Mary Anne + Logan/Sammie/painted with non-toxic food coloring/editorial assistant in an NYC publishing company

Kristy + Alan Gray/Izzy/lives in a shoebox that includes a tiny music box and pictures to stimulate his learning/a car mechanic in Stamford who visits home every Sunday

Stacey + Austin Bentley/Bobby/teaching high school history

Dawn + Aaron Albright/Skip/med student

Awards:

Most Awkward Remark: Courtesy of Mrs. Boyden, the Modern Living teacher. “Class, you are in eighth grade. Most of you are thirteen years old now. Some of you are fourteen, a few of you are twelve. Despite how old or young you may feel, the truth is that you are now biologically capable of becoming parents, or you will be soon.” There’s literally no way a middle school educator could say that without someone cracking up. Ever.

Biggest Space Cadet: Shawna Riverson, another student, responding to the question of what it means to really be married. “I think getting married really means that you have, like, a plastic bride and groom on your wedding cake, not those little bride and groom mice or something. Or maybe you could have, like, a giant plastic wedding bell and some bluebirds or something.” Can we all just take this as anecdotal evidence that there’s an oxygen shortage in Stoneybrook?

Most Ironic Moment: Mary Anne and Logan are burnt out as parents and want to go on a date night. They can’t find a baby-sitter, despite Mary Anne’s entire social circle being comprised of nannies in training, so they bring their egg to the movies and end up having to leave early because they can’t handle it.

 

 

Jessi’s Baby-sitter

Stoneybrook is under attack! In a freak instance of actual parenting, upon deciding to go back to work, Daddy and Mama Ramsey decide to bring Aunt Cecelia to live with them to take care of the kids and house. Jessi is blown away by this affront to her position as official family baby-sitter, and goes on a vigilante mission to take back her turf (aka Squirt, her one year old brother). In this book, Jessi is honestly a combination of a desperate housewife and an actual sixth grader. It’s a weird mash-up that could only happen in Stoneybrook, because seriously where else would a middle schooler be sad (to the point of destructive rage) that someone else is there to change diapers and make after school snacks?!

Into the plot: Mama Ramsey gets a job for the first time in eleven years, and is ready to go back to work. That part is exciting, but (cue ominous music), it means that Daddy Ramsey’s widowed sister is moving in to be the indentured servant of the clan. This is classic Stoneybrook – the only options for working moms are to employ middle school girls or to find rando relatives to become the live-in help. Jessi is horrified, because Aunt Cecelia is the legit worst, and she and Becca plot to destroy their aunt even before she arrives.

As a subplot interlude, Jessi pressures Jackie Rodowsky into entering the Stoneybrook Elementary School science fair. Jackie just wants to build a volcano due to his love of the iconic Brady Bunch volcano scene:

Instead of indulging this badass goal, our girl Jessi has to make it both competitive and boring and starts drilling him on types of rock. Jackie hates this entire process and keeps trying to get out of it, but Jessi the bulldozer won’t let that happen. It’s a charming parallel to her home life with Aunt Cecelia, who she maturely starts referring to as Aunt Dictator. She and Becca start pranking this poor woman, including short-sheeting her bed, filling her slippers with shaving cream, and putting a fake spider in her bed. How is this girl supposed to be mature again?

The Ramsey adults are clearly communication failures. Aunt Cecelia is left in charge of the kids, but has been given no orientation or instructions about the normal routines of the household. She doesn’t know that Jessi baby-sits, and is allowed to do so, or about curfews, or literally anything else.

In the end, Jackie loses the science fair, Jessi apologizes to him, his parents, and for some reason her parents, for pushing him, and Aunt Cecelia reveals that she’s been Aunt Dictator-ing because she’s intimidated by Jessi’s baby-sitting expertise. Gag me.

Awards:

Dumbest Quote: Jessi, upon hearing that her mom has a job, blurts out, “Boy, I guess you’ll really need me to baby-sit now. I’ll take care of Becca and Squirt every afternoon that I can. But who will watch Squirt while I’m at school? And who will baby-sit while I’m at my dance lessons?” Seriously Jessi, your parents are adults. They’re not actually relying on you for full-time childcare.

Most Unexpected Character Behavior: The Pike kids decide to turn their house into a library (cute/destructive, as per usual), and when neighborhood kids show up during dinner to return books, the Pike parents make a rule! The library is only open until 6 PM, and not during dinner. Way to set a (flimsy) boundary, Pikes!

Best Science Fair Project: While Charlotte Johanssen wins an actual award, my prize goes to Margo Pike, who creates a shadow box of the moon, which is described by Mallory as follows – “She seems to have decided that Barbie, Ken, and Skipper inhabit the moon, and that they dress in pink and silver sparkly outfits, kind of like the ones that the Jetsons used to wear.” YAAAS MARGO.

Jessi’s Big Break

Fellow BSC-nerds, welcome to my first review of a Jessi book! These were never my favorites as a kid, mainly because Jessi always seemed so…normal. Her problems never had anything to do with boys, or parental neglect, or any of the other excessive dramas of the more ‘grown-up’ sitters. Jessi was only eleven, and therefore was never able to be a role model like Stacey, who wandered Manhattan solo, or even Mary Anne, whose ability to knit was oddly cool. But in this book, Jessi Ramsey takes center stage, and I kind of love it.

Jessi, in case anyone forgot, has the defining character trait of being a ballerina. Other than baby-sitting, piggy-backing on Mallory’s love of horse stories, and griping about being eleven, the core identity of Jessi is being a dancer. Like any true BSC-er, once she took on a passion, she automatically became great at it, and is accepted to Dance New York, a (fictional) dance company/school for a one-month program for promising dancers. There’s plenty of angst about her going – Becca, her eight year old sister, immediately develops abandonment issues, and Mallory, Queen of FOMO, both lose it entirely.

Jessi crashes with Michael and Marian, her Aunt Cecelia’s son and daughter-in-law. They live in Brooklyn, before it was cool. They’re clearly not a Stoneybrook couple. They order in Chinese food, which is apparently scandalous, they don’t have an elevator, and sometimes they work on weekends. Horror of horrors. Michael is Mr. Take One For The Team, because he agrees to escort this eleven year old kid to school every day for a month.

So, Dance NY. Here’s the cast of characters:

• Quint Walter, Jessi’s PG lover from New York, is there too! Apparently at some point between their last date and now, they’ve agreed to be just friends, but Quint is ready to get back into hand-holding territory with this prima ballerina.
• Maritza Cruz, Quint’s classmate from Julliard, becomes Jessi’s dance BFF.
• David Brailsford is the head choreographer/object of intense fangirling from all the kids. He seems pretty cool, but I’m not a dancer, so I may be missing some of the manic love that Jessi feels.
• Tanisha is Maritza’s big sister and is a member of the ‘permanent company.’ She’s part of Dance NY full time. Jessi idolizes Tanisha.

Jessi has lots of imposter syndrome. She’s used to being the best in the class back in Stoneybrook, so she’s being pushed for the first time in forever, and it initially crushes her as a human being. But after literally a day, she becomes the star student, and Mr. Brailsford compares her to Judith Jamison, who is apparently a real person, and a big deal. Mazal tov, Jessi!

Jessi’s best New York encounters are as follows:

• She visits Quint’s family for dinner, and regrets it since she is hoping to stick with being just friends. Her idea of something more casual would have been an afternoon walk in the park. Quint, on the other hand, wants to go out for dessert. He describes the establishment by saying: “There’s a really great place for desserts and stuff, with booths. It’s really private.” Just as a general comment, I’m pretty sure my husband would never notice the kind of seating arrangements in a restaurant as a pro or con. Who is this kid?
• Michael and Marian know how to show someone a good time – in one week, they do Jazz at the Blue Note, a Broadway show, a concert at Carnegie Hall, and assorted restaurants.
• Maritza’s parents apparently don’t know that they actually live in New York, because they decide to treat the kids to a ‘New York Saturation Saturday’ which involves hitting up the Statue of Liberty, Twin Towers, Chinatown, the Rockefeller Center skating rink, and dinner in Little Italy – aka all things that no one from the city would ever opt to do.

Eventually, since Stoneybrook has a magnetic pull on these girls, Mallory comes to visit. It turns out that Jessi has been so caught up in her dance persona that she never told any of her new friends about the BSC. Way to break free of the cult, girl!

Jessi’s dual selves come to a head when Mr. Brailsford asks her to audition for the permanent company. She’s actually accepted (yay!), but goes through a lot of soul searching about what it would mean to move to New York permanently, and ultimately decides to stay in Stoneybrook. I think it’s supposed to be reassuring and heartwarming, but I’m awful and am officially mad at her for giving up this opportunity. This is your chance to escape, Jessi! Take it!

Awards:

• Most condescending remark – Jessi to Mallory. “In New York, restaurants deliver. Not just pizza. Anything you want.”
• Dumbest adult – Aunt Cecelia, who gives an important message to Claire Pike over the phone, despite her being five and unstable, leading to no one knowing that the Ramsey adults would be literally hours late.
• Best description – Claudia is referred to as the BSC Snack Czar.
• Best educator moment – David Brailsford. “This class is about one thing. Love. And dance. Here, they’re the same.”

 

Super Special # 15: European Vacation

I’d like to begin with a personal anecdote. When I was growing up, our school took an annual trip to Albany, New York. Albany was our state capital, and we went for an overnight trip. As in, one night. To a city less than three hours away. And it was a huge deal. But now in retrospect, I basically had a neglectful childhood, because apparently over in Connecticut, middle school field trips are freaking European vacations. Way to give us all unrealistic expectations, Ann.

The title says it all. The majority of the BSC members, and their supporting cast of classmates, are heading to Europe for another unrealistic Stoneybrook vacation. Those who are left behind are working at Playground Camp. I’m sure we can all guess which group has a more interesting set of plot lines, but since it’s a Super Special, everyone will get their own breakdown!

Stacey McGill: Stacey and Robert are broken up by this point, but they end up sitting next to each other on the flight from Connecticut to London. This is because Stacey had to choose between the lesser of two evils, her ex-boyfriend, and her mom/trip chaperone. Yes, Mama McGill is coming with us to Europe! I’m actually shocked that Stoneybrook thought to provide chaperones for the trip, so good job, SMS administrators. Anyway, when they land in London, Stacey’s ready to change clothes, but it turns out her suitcase got switched with someone else’s, and the suitcase she’s stuck with contains the cremated remains of a human being. Yup. It turns out that the suitcase owner is a WWII vet, and the ashes are from his battle buddy. He’s in Europe to spread them on the beach at Normandy. Stacey is indifferent to this at first, but after visiting the Cabinet War Rooms, becomes woke to the WWII experience. She ends up tagging along with Mr. Anderson on his trip, and it’s actually beautiful.

Kristy Thomas: Kristy gets the vacation romance this time around, and it’s romance from an angsty, angry kind of place. She meets Michel DuMoulin, who goes to the Canadian school that is partnering with SMS on this trip, during an icebreaker that involves shoe swapping. They clash instantly. During a battle over the relative awesomeness of the Louvre to the Met, they manage to get lost from the rest of the group, and because Stoneybrook is full of neglectful adults who can’t do head counts, the contingency plan is to meet at the Eiffel Tower at 5 PM (four hours from when they get lost). What fresh hell is this? These kids are thirteen, and the extent of emergency planning is that they find their way through a foreign international city, rather than find a police officer or go back to the hotel? The alone time in Paris involves pastries, a walk through the Tuileries gardens, L’Arc de Triomphe, and the Champs-Elysees. It gets hot – including Kristy putting her head on Michel’s shoulder, before the eventual Eiffel Tower meeting. On the final night of the trip, things come to a head, and the combatants end up kissing on the balcony of Kristy’s hotel room. DAMN GIRL!

Mallory Pike: It seems like in every trip, there’s someone who misses the point entirely. Jessi ignores Hawaii, Dawn barricades herself inside in New York, and Mary Anne mopes through a ski trip. This time, it’s Mallory who gets so caught up in her writing and a self-imposed deadline that she ignores most of her European experiences. Mallory spirals into William Shakespeare obsession, because she meets a long-lost British cousin who researched their family tree, and it turns out that the BSC’s writer in residence is a descendent of the Bard! Because obviously. She decides to only tell her fellow baby-sitters this fact, because she doesn’t want to be treated like a celebrity. Which I feel like is a very irrational worry. Anyway, while Mal did have writer’s block, she’s inspired by a trip to Stratford-Upon-Avon, and gets so into her writing that she blows off most of France.

Claudia Kishi: Claudia is manning the fort on the home front as a camp counselor at Playground Camp. Except, resident genius/sister/arch nemesis Janine is the head counselor, aka boss lady. Claudia is pissed about this, because Janine is pure evil – she uses words like adequate. Who does this girl think she is? Janine is strict with Claudia, who eventually blows up, but then they make up within a page or two.

Mary Anne Spier: Mary Anne is our second Playground Camp representative, and her big drama comes when it rains one day. Cokie Mason, BSC enemy, co-counselor, and failure at all things, neglects to bring all of her kids in from the storm, so Mary Anne has to go outside and rescue Matthew Hobart from the rain.

Jessi Ramsey: Jessi is having some regrets about turning down the DanceNY company when they asked her to join. She’s confronted with that problem directly, as the group is performing at the Barbican Center in London while she’s there, and the whole BSC goes to see the performance. Some girl in the company sprains her ankle, and the routine she was performing is one that Jessi magically knows, so Jessi is recruited to go on stage and dance with a professional troupe.

Abby Stevenson: Abby bonds with Victoria Kent, despite Mary Anne having been her main sitter back in Stoneybrook. The group visits Victoria at home, and Abby gets invited to be her escort to her first meeting with the Queen. Because obviously four days in London would be enough time for a royal meeting. During the reception, she steps on the feet of a prince, which is probably exactly what would happen if I met royalty.

Dawn Schafer: Dawn is at Playground Camp, but one day she gets lent out to another camp, specifically for children with special needs. She meets Susan, a girl who Kristy once sat for, who is both autistic and non-verbal, but is a piano savant. Susan uses a hugging machine at one point, which scares Dawn and just breaks my heart. No snark.

Awards:

Best One Liner: Kristy Thomas FTW! Stacey is freaking out over not having any clothes, and refuses to borrow from Kristy or her mom. Kristy looks in the suitcase and hits back with, “You know, Stace, some of those trousers look pretty nice.”

Best Insult: Burn on Cokie courtesy of Claudia!

Cokie Mason: Well, if it isn’t the Baby-sitters Club wet T-shirt contest. Not that anyone would notice.

Claudia Kishi: Stuff it, Cokie.

Cokie: I don’t have to.

Claudia: Between the ears you do.

Worst Adult: Mr. Dougherty, SMS English teacher and Mrs. McGill’s alleged co-chaperone. However, he regularly ditches the group, which we can’t really blame him for, in order to go on literary quests. He’s completely oblivious to the situation, and earns the nickname Frederick the Wanderer.

Most Horrific Policy: See above for the ‘meet at the Eiffel Tower plan.’

 

 

Mallory on Strike

I feel like this book should really be called Passive Aggressive Mallory. Mallory basically has a breakdown, all because she failed to communicate her needs to anyone in her life and was shocked that none of them were mind-readers. To back up, Mallory is in a special creative writing class at school (which we’ve never heard of before, and I assume will not come up ever again). There’s apparently a school-wide competition, which only applies to sixth graders, for creative writing. Mallory decides to enter the Best Overall Fiction category, which requires going into hermit-mode to work on a story.

Of course, the Pikes procreate like it’s their job, and then neglect said offspring like they have other jobs, so Mallory is the live-in Cinderella. In one afternoon, she stops the triplets from scaring Claire, stops Margo from playing in their mom’s makeup, saves Nicky from a hamster bite, catches said hamster, and stops an argument between the triplets. All of this is to say that the girl has no time to do her homework, because indentured servitude + the underage labor of the BSC is a full time gig.

So Mal is stressed over her story, and goes to a BSC meeting where she’s offered a job that she turns down. Rather than saying that it’s because she has homework, which any reasonable person would understand, she says nothing at all, because she puts the passive in passive aggressive like it’s another full time job.

Back in Pike-land, Mallory wakes up early to finish her homework, and then tries to work on her story. Instead, after she pays Vanessa a whole quarter to stay out of their shared room, her mom has her baby-sit four siblings, make Claire a PBJ to feed her dolls, fold clothes, and set the table for dinner. Another day, she has to convince Claire that it’s ok that all of the dinosaurs are extinct, and make dessert for dinner. Because God forbid Mrs. Pike run her own household. She starts to be nervous that she won’t be able to finish her story in time, which is a huge deal since her creative writing teacher is apparently responsible for all of her self-worth. Finally, Mal has writing time, but gets so caught up in her craft that she is late to a BSC meeting. She still feels no need to explain things to anyone, so instead just sits there, rejects sitting jobs, and cries when confronted. All of this escalates to the point where she asks to be demoted from the BSC, rather than just do her homework and get over herself.

The spiral of insanity continues to the point where it involves props. She designs and creates a sandwich board that says “Mallory on Strike” and wears it downstairs for breakfast, because her family is so overbearing that she loses the power of speech. Except this is her first time even attempting to communicate, and it’s crazy. As soon as she expresses herself, her parents immediately have everyone leave her alone, and even hire baby-sitters when they need to run out. So maybe the Pikes were reasonable all along? And Mallory is just a writer who can’t use her words?

The book starts winding to a close with several insane events. First, Mallory gets a special day all to herself, courtesy of her parents. They take her and Jessi to the mall for the day, which is apparently the most personal attention she’s ever gotten. Then, because Mallory can’t just take it, she plans a special day for the rest of the Pikes, which includes paper hat making, a circus put on by neighborhood kids, puppet making, a scavenger hunt, burgers, and ice cream. And of course, because she’s a BSC member, Mallory wins the writing contest. So I guess the lesson for this story is that hissy fits work?

Awards:

Most Random Stoneybrook Term: Apparently people ‘often’ call the Pike kids stair-step kids because they’re born one after another. First, is this a term people use? And second, aren’t all kids born after each other, so wouldn’t this apply to literally all multi-sibling families?

Most Awkward Thing We Learned: Kristy doesn’t need a bra yet.

Best Insult: Dawn refers to Stacey as Old Tightwad. I support this.

 

Claudia and the Perfect Boy

This book opens with Claudia, she of the stunning complexion and fabulous wardrobe, being jealous of Mary Anne, world-champion crier and quiet shy girl. Claudia wants a boyfriend, and has FOMO over the ongoing Mary Anne/Logan love-fest. While Claudia does tend to meet boys every time she leaves the municipal boundaries of Stoneybrook, none of them have ever turned into anything serious, and she’s ready for a real (eighth grade) love.

Here’s Claudia’s list of qualities she’s looking for in Mr. Right (with spelling edits included):

• Handsome
• Muscles (not too many, not too few)
• Taller than me
• Funny (extremely)
• Athletic
• Sensitive
• Easy to talk to (a good listener)
• Interesting (lots to say)
• Artistic
• Good dresser
• Good speller (willing to correct mine)
• Not critical
• Crazy about me

Good list, but seems like a lot to ask of a middle school boy. Also, how would Claudia know if someone’s a good speller? This girl literally spelled too two different ways in one sentence. I would criticize the crap out of her (in person, as well as over the internet), if she were something other than a fictional character in a decades-old children’s series.

As part of her quest for a man, Claudia proposes adding a personals column to the SMS Express, the school newspaper. In classic Stoneybrook fashion, there’s no adult supervision of this paper, and with thirteen-year-olds running the show, it’s not surprising that this kind of thing gets approved. Just as a general comment, in any real place, this would be vetoed before Claud even got the sentence out. So, the most illiterate eighth grader in history becomes a columnist for the school newspaper.

Shockingly, SMS students have no shame, and they all start writing personal ads to find dates. Claudia goes on several herself. One is with Brian, a clean-cut guy who takes her to the Rosebud Cafe. They have nothing in common. Next up is Rock, who is into Asian girls so loves that Claudia is Japanese. He’s somehow tattooed as a middle schooler, and asks to kiss her goodnight (she turns him down). She also dates Kurt, who is apparently so boring we don’t even get to hear about the date.

The b-plot of this book is tragic. We’re back to the Barrett kids, and their dog Pow. We’re made to love Pow anew, and get several scenes of the kids straight up attacking him, but he loves it and is totally gentle and nice. So of course, tragedy strikes. Marnie Barrett has developed an allergy to their beloved dog, and they need to find a new home for him. Buddy and Suzi are obviously devastated, and my heart just breaks for them. The Pikes end up adopting him, which is described as a good thing because Buddy and Suzi can still see him. But I’d probably honestly do worse with that situation, to see ‘my’ dog all the time and have him belong to someone else, rather than an out of sight, out of mind scenario.

We end with Claudia still single, but much more appreciative of all the things she does have. Anticlimactic.

Awards:

Best Insult: Claudia is whining about how she’s the only one who doesn’t have a boy. “Even Kristy has Bart. Sort of.” Way to be passive-aggressive, jerk.

Most Absurd Personal Ad: Unique, statuesque seventh-grade girl wants to get to know husky guy interested in sports and Ancient Egyptian cultures. For fun dates call Big-Boned Beauty.

Most Eighties Moment: Claudia discovers spellcheck

Most Self-Aware Moment: I LOVE art! I can’t look at a sunset without thinking about the best way to get that same effect with watercolors. But how could I write that in a letter to a guy I don’t know without sounding like a complete maniac? I didn’t want him to mark my letter, “obvious nut case,” and throw it in the trash. (Claudia tries to answer a personal)

Worst Parent: Mrs. Pike, who leaves her kids home with baby-sitters when their new pet arrives. Can this lady not show up for any of her own family occasions?

Kristy Thomas: Dog Trainer

This book is just a major aww. We jump into the main plot point right away – the Thomas/Brewer family is going to adopt a dog from the Guide Dog Foundation in order to raise and train it to be given to a blind person. This is actually something I wanted to do as a kid, but my parents wouldn’t let me because they worried we’d become too emotionally attached to the dog to be able to give it up. Knowing my siblings and myself, they were 100% right, but I still absolutely love the concept, so on this, I’m 100% #TeamWatsonBrewer. The b-plot, which directly intersects, is about Deb Cooper, who I’m pretty sure we’ve never heard of before. She’s a seventh grader at Stoneybrook Day School who went blind a little while ago, and who all of a sudden the BSC has a lot of sitting jobs for.

Mary Anne is the first one to go to the Coopers, and she sits for Deb’s two brothers, Mark and Jed. Deb is very bitter about her blindness, which sounds just absolutely awful. She freaks out when Mary Anne tries to make a snack for all of them, and it’s actually heartbreaking. No snark, only empathy for this girl. Kristy is her second baby-sitter, and because she knows how to cure the world, she decides to invite a bunch of neighborhood kids over to see Deb, even though the poor girl doesn’t want to socialize yet. It backfires spectacularly. Deb is pissed, the kids are loud and not helpful, and it turns out that not even the president of the Baby-Sitters Club can fix this one.

The newest member of the Thomas/Brewer clan is a four month old chocolate Lab named Scout. She’s clearly adorable, as are all puppies, and because she’s a guide dog in training, she gets to go everywhere with the family. She goes to a BSC meeting, the bowling alley and garden club, Watson and Elizabeth’s offices, and the grocery store. That’s when we encounter some jerk who yells at Kristy and Abby about bringing a dog to the store. This woman is clearly scum, because dogs in unexpected places are the absolute best things ever. I want dogs everywhere, so hate this woman.

The book ends heartwarmingly. The Thomas/Brewers and the Coopers go to Puppy Walker Fun Day at the Guide Dog Foundation. All the guide dogs dress in costumes, and there are games and an obstacle course. The whole family takes a photo, and it looks like President Thomas has helped Deb after all. Aww once again!

Awards:

Most Absurd Outfit: Claudia Kishi, rocking a giant Hawaiian print shirt worn over hot-pink bicycle shorts, hot-pink-and-lime-green socks, and an ancient pair of formerly black Doc Martens that she had painted in swirls of electric color. She’d knotted a pink plastic flower into each shoelace and had pulled her hair back with another pink plastic flower. Her earrings, which of course she’d made herself, were dangling sprays of tiny pink, green, and yellow beads.

Best Dog: Shug, a bull terrier in the obedience class that Scout takes, who, when told to sit, sits directly on her owner’s foot. Respect.

Saddest Moment: Kristy is watching the Cooper kids again and Deb leaves the house to try to go to the video store. She ends up in the middle of the street and almost gets hit by a car, and it’s just awful.

Best Dog Costume: a lab dressed as a dalmatian. So meta.

Dawn’s Big Move

When I think of Dawn Schafer, I think of three things:

• California
• Vegetarian/health food freak
• Long blond hair

Yes, Dawn is a stereotype of herself, and is largely defined by where she’s from. It’s talked about constantly, in every character description, and is how she relates to every aspect of life in Stoneybrook, from the weather to the food to the quirky East Coast cultural practices like having bells that ring to mark the end of school periods. Nothing that jarring and loud would be allowed in Cali. So it only makes sense that all of Dawn’s California FOMO would come to a head and she’d decide to defect back to Palo City. This book gives us all the drama and feelings leading up to the move.

The b-plot is introduced very early on in this book. Stoneybrook and the next town over, Lawrenceville, are going to be having a competition/fundraiser called Run for Your Money, which is essentially an adult color war/field day. As with all things in the cult of Connecticut, the whole town gets obsessed and jumps in with both feet. The Schafer/Spier clan decides to jump in as well, which leads to some practice shenanigans. It’s during their first practice session that Dawn drops the bomb that she wants to move back to California. But before that bummer, we get the visual of Richard Spier practicing for an underwear race on the front lawn. It actually sounds amazing, and like something my family would actively participate in. Anyway, everyone is having a great time and the neighbors are judging them, and Dawn wrecks it by announcing that she wants to move back to California for several months.

After some back and forth between her parents, including check-ins with guidance counselors and the revelation that Dawn Schafer, thirteen year old baby-sitter extraordinaire, picks out her own clothes, Sharon gives her permission for Dawn to head to California for six months. So while her family is dealing with it maturely, the real center of her life, the BSC, has a collective breakdown. Kristy flips out about losing a sitter, but eventually rallies, and the BSC decides to enter Run for Your Money as a team separate from their families.

Run for Your Money Highlights:

• The Schafer/Spier family wins a tug of war
• The Brewer/Thomas family wins a three-legged race
• Janine Kishi goes nuts playing foosball
• Jessi Ramsey carries the entire BSC in a dance relay race
• The girls do an event called Mondo Ball, which sounds amazing and I kind of really want it in my life
• Buddy Barrett hits his head on a goalpost doing a victory dance after winning leapfrog
• Clearly, Stoneybrook wins overall

With the field day over, it’s time for Dawn’s goodbye party, her inevitable crisis of faith about leaving, her eventual departure. Dawn is off to California, and Stoneybrook can go back to its meat-eating, junk food-loving ways without shame.

Awards:

Best Outfit: Richard Spier for his underwear race practice attire – Simpsons tank top undershirt, oversized boxer shorts with red hearts on them, pants (one presumes), and big, clunky shoes. Way to give Claudia a run for her money!

Worst Example of Dawn’s Ageism: Carol (her dad’s girlfriend) is thirty-two and has the audacity to use expressions like “Oh, wow,” and “So cool.” Dawn judges this.

Stacey and the Haunted Masquerade

As with all Stacey books, this one opens with Ms. McGill telling us how superior she is to the rest of Stoneybrook due to her Manhattanite background. To quote Stacey, “I’ve seen more (including sad things, such as homeless people, and terrific things, such as the Caribbean Day parade) and done more (not too many kids in my class can say they’ve been to the opera, or to an exhibit of French avant-garde painters) than a lot of Connecticut kids my age.” But don’t worry, she’s not a snob. Anyway, as Stacey is chilling and judging others in homeroom, an announcement is made that SMS is going to be having a Halloween masquerade dance, which is apparently a huge deal because it’s the first one in twenty-eight years.

First, I’m going to let the BSC nerd flag fly for a moment, but this makes zero sense to me. They’ve had Halloween Hops and dances before, and the kids all get dressed in costumes, so how is this different? Is calling it a masquerade somehow superior to a regular dance or costume party?

I digress. Stacey is psyched, and decides to volunteer for the decorations committee. At the same time, a new kid named Cary Reitlin (who is apparently hot, or hunky as Stacey says) comes to school. All of a sudden, a new group called the Mischief Knights exists, and they start pranking the school. Mischief Knight actions include:

• Switching the books between people’s lockers
• Leaving notes on the blackboards in different classrooms
• Stealing Mrs. Simon (an English teacher)’s gradebook
• Spilling marbles in the art room

Anyway, the decorations committee starts meeting, with new teacher Mr. Rothman as their faculty advisor. The committee decides on an Addams Family theme for the dance, which everyone except Cokie Mason loves. Things are moving full steam ahead, but then, because it’s a mystery things get weird, and then insane. There are rumors around town about a tragedy that happened at the last Halloween masquerade, and things start going wrong with the dance – materials are destroyed or stolen, the posters Claudia designs are ripped apart. For some reason the BSC doesn’t have enough to do, so they take it upon themselves to solve the mystery of who is sabotaging the dance.

The first round of detective work is questioning Mary Anne’s dad and Dawn’s mom, who reminisce about a dance when they were in middle school where a teacher wound up dying due to a stampede. Apparently there was a blackout during the dance and everyone panicked, a stampede broke out, and this teacher died as a result. As the girls delve into old yearbooks as part of their sleuthing, they figure out what Mr. Rothman, committee advisor, was also a student there at the time of the stampede. The stampede apparently had to do with some girl who was dumped at the dance. Rumor has it she left school as a result, so the girls run back to the yearbooks and figure out who wasn’t photographed twenty-eight years ago. One of the girls is named Elizabeth Connor, who, irony of ironies, lived in the Johansson’s house, and that very afternoon, Stacey is baby-sitting for Charlotte!

The girls go on a ‘ghost-busting’ hunt of the house, and Stacey finds a heart with the following inscription: LC + MR. In a moment of clarity that would literally never happen, she concludes that this stands for Liz Connor + Mike Rothman, the decorations committee faculty advisor. Stacey confronts him while decorating, and it turns out that back in the day, he was on the football team, and was very popular. Liz was a geek and was very unpopular, but Mike was nice to her, and wound up asking her to the dance. Except, middle school boys are jerks around the world, even in Stoneybrook, so he takes up a bet with his friends that he can last the whole night with her. Drama ensues that I won’t get into, but Liz was humiliated and it looks like she was the one who cut the lights and pulled the fire alarm. The girl never came back to school, but as Stacey and adult Mr. Rothman are decorating, they see a noose hanging from a basketball hoop with a dummy dressed in a fairy princess costume, the same costume this girl wore twenty-eight years ago. So that’s terrifying.

The dance goes on as planned.

The BSC masquerade costumes are as follows:

• Mary Anne – Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz (with Logan as the Scarecrow)
• Mallory and Jessi – are basically a couple too, so they trade stereotypes, and Mallory comes as a ballerina and Jessi is a cowgirl
• Abby – Lucy Ricardo
• Kristy – Amelia Earhart
• Claudia – a giant Twinkie
• Stacey – Morticia Addams (with Robert Brewster as Gomez)

At the dance, which Liz Connor of course crashes, things end anticlimactically. The woman goes to the trouble of stealing a costume, dancing with her former date, and all that happens is she gets led out of the gym.

And on that note, on to our awards:

Most Creative Idea From a non-Claudia BSC-er: Stacey deciding on a red/purple Halloween color scheme

Most Boring B-plot: All the kids of Stoneybrook taking up ghostbusting as a hobby

Best Halloween Candy: Snickers. Always.

Super Special # 7: Snowbound!

This Super Special doesn’t come with the premise of a crazy vacation, like so many of them, but instead has extreme weather leading to some crazy situations. Most of them could actually happen, which is weird for the BSC, but involve neglect and shenanigans, which is par for the course in Stoneybrook, Connecticut. I’ll talk about all of the girls together for the pre-blizzard period of the book, and then divide up for what actually goes down during the storm. The girls are preparing for the Winter Wonderland Dance, which is a super big deal because all of them have dates. The date breakdown is as follows:

• Kristy is going with Bart Taylor
• Claudia is going with Iri Mitsuhashi (who we’ve never heard of), and who Claudia emphasizes is just a friend
• Mary Anne is going with Logan (obvs)
• Mallory is going with Ben Hobart
• Jessi is bringing Quint Walter, which is a throwback to New York, New York!
• Dawn is going with Price Irving (who we’ve also never heard of), but apparently she recently developed an ‘amazing crush’ on him
• Stacey is going with Austin Bentley, because he’s her go-to between boyfriend man

So they’re all freaking out because the kids of Stoneybrook are dying for snow, but the mature middle schoolers are nervous about the dance being canceled. And of course, each girl has massive drama as a result of the storm.

Mallory Pike and Mary Anne Spier: have the exact same storyline. They’re tag-teaming on a 24 hour sitting job for the Pike kids, because Mr. and Mrs. Pike are ditching their annoying offspring and going to Manhattan for the day. Because the Pikes hate their kids but copulate like it’s their job, they’ve also left no food in the house. The blizzard hits and the elder Pikes get stuck in Manhattan (when really we know they’re not trying too hard to get home), and the house loses power. Mallory and Mary Anne have to hoard food from the seven kids, until dreamy Logan Bruno saves the day by skiing over with food.

Stacey McGill: Stacey is prepping for the dance, and has her mom take her to Washington Mall for a new perm. As a sidenote, when I read these books as a kid, I had no idea what a perm actually was, but wanted one because Stacey always got them. So I asked my mom for one, and she informed me that it makes your hair curly. I was basically a brunette Shirley Temple, so I was left permless. Sadface. Anyway, Stacey and her mom get stuck driving home. They run out of gas, but someone stops to help them. Stacey thinks he’s a kidnapper at first, but they decide to go home with him instead. He and his wife and baby apparently live in a Victorian mansion outside of town, and the McGills spend the night. Everyone back in Stoneybrook freaks out because they don’t know where the McGills are, but they make it back the next day. Codependency can continue.

Kristy Thomas: Kristy is at home and invites Bart over to hang before the blizzard hits. They watch some movies with the younger Brewer/Thomas kids, and then for some weird reason, the family has a formal dinner in honor of Bart. Kristy almost acts like a normal person instead of a kid-obsessed psycho, and is embarrassed by her irritating siblings. The blizzard hits during dinner, and Bart ends up having to spend the night in the mansion. Kristy freaks out, because she can’t let him see her in her pajamas, is scared that he’ll accidentally sleepwalk into her room, and can’t let him see her in the morning either. So she lays awake until 1 AM, wakes up at 5:30, and decides to shave her legs, curl her hair, and put on makeup, all to show off at breakfast. Bart tells her she’s beautiful…aww!

Jessi Ramsey: Jessi is in rehearsals for The Nutcracker, and gets stranded at her dance school in Stamford. Quint, who is arriving from New York, ends up making his way there, so the two of them help out with all of the kids who are freaking out (of course).

Dawn Schafer: Dawn and her mom head to the airport to pick up Jeff, who’s coming to visit for Christmas. Mrs. Schafer is a nervous snow-driver, but makes it to the airport in one piece. However, the blizzard delays all flights, and Jeff eventually gets rerouted to DC, while the ladies spend the night in the airport. As someone who has slept in an airport, I truly feel for them. It’s unfathomably uncomfortable.

Claudia Kishi: Claudia is baby-sitting for the Perkins girls, and their parents get stranded at a friend’s house. She manages to lose their dog for most of the night, and despite the suddenly overnight baby-sitting job and lack of power, refuses to let her parents come help, or bring them over (she lives across the street). No one protests this.

Awards:

Most Embarrassing Thomas/Brewer: Karen, who parades around in ‘sweater-pants’ for Bart. Meaning she uses her sleeves as pant legs. And no one stops her.

Best Name: Holly, one of the kids in Jessi’s dance school, named her doll Caboose. I respect this.

Most Melodramatic Moment: Mallory is told the dance might be postponed due to the massive blizzard. “It can’t be postponed!” said Mal. “Ben and I can’t wait until next week!” Um…why not Mal?

Best Retort: Sam is teasing Kristy for being in the bathroom so long, and says he didn’t think he’d have to deal with such a girlie sister until Karen turns thirteen. Her response is “By which time you’ll be twenty-one and not living here anymore, I hope.” BURN.

Worst Parent: Mrs. Kishi this time, for not pulling rank and insisting on assisting her thirteen year old in caring for three children overnight. Just irresponsible.